Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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