When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
