Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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