you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
