I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
