I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think my moral compass just broke
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
