I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
