i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
