and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
