nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
