Yo dont text me then not text me
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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