A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
