Just fell off a train. Bad.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
