omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
