Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
