I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
