just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
