I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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