so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
