My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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