why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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