i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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