I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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