Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
