Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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