im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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