Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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