I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
too bad you live with your parents still
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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