No stitches, just platelets and will power
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
