Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
