I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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