he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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