i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
