I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
