sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
