I am in a vortex of obligation.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
