She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
