So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
