how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
