vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
