Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
