Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Sext me about skeletons
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
