I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
