I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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