I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize