Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
