My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize