I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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