I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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