She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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