Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
