just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
