Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
