Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I want her autograph on my taint
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
