He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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