Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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