his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
