somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize