Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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